It’s been a while

It’s taken me months to try to put into words how I’ve been doing and feeling. I don’t think anything could prepare you for being stuck within the same four walls for months, sometimes not even being able to walk up the stairs to sit in your own living room. Something I always found ironic was that I feared being trapped so much but yet I was trapped, because of that. This time one year ago I was just beginning to experience one of the worst times of my life and now, I sit here about to type out probably not even half of the things I’ve done in the past 7 months, most of which I haven’t been able to do since my Agoraphobia became an issue. I think it’s extremely easy to feel doomed in the same continuous cycle with anxiety, and to make yourself believe that it is how it’s always going to be. I hope anybody who feels that way can get comfort from this, because I was once the person who felt doomed to live life inside the four walls, and the sinkhole that anxiety often feels like.

April was when it all started to slowly become better, it was when I left my house for the first time in six months, which is another experience that I will never ever be able to put into words and I am forever changed by it. I didn’t realize how much I took the simple things for granted, and I don’t think anyone does until they are deprived from it for a long period of time.

Everything slowly started to get easier as may and June went by and I found myself going into stores, and going to houses I hadn’t been to in a long time. Then July came and I got into a car with my boyfriend when I hadn’t driven with anyone other than my mom in a very long time, I hadn’t been comfortable doing it in about 4 years. Small drives turned into drives across the city, including outings to stores, going for hikes, getting food, and going to parties. Most of which I hadn’t done in more than a year, and I definitely hadn’t partied because the thought of parties a few months before this could make me panic even if I knew I wasn’t going. Then, big things turned into even bigger things like going to my cabin or going to the mall which I hadn’t done in years. At that point going into a store like a gas station or Walmart had become something I did without a second thought, because I knew I’d accomplished much harder tasks.

Still, none of this was something that came incredibly easy for me, and there were times that I sat in a parking lot for 20 minutes only to not even go into the store. I’ve had panic attacks in fast food drive- thrus, and I’ve practically ran in and out of places to get what I’ve needed before I could panic even more. Along with that, I still very much struggle with my anxiety and Agoraphobia on many days and there are things I still battle with, and days when I just can’t push myself to go out and do something greater than a fifteen minute drive, but I’m okay with that because I get to walk out of my front door everyday and know that I have the freedom to do that and I always will. I get to leave my house every single day now, and it is amazingly freeing. Tasks that seemed impossible to me only 7 months ago are now almost an everyday occurrence. Always have hope because you truly never know when or how things are going to turn around for you.

3 thoughts on “It’s been a while

  1. Simone Caddigan says:

    Holly my girl, you are an inspiration, I am so happy that you shared your story and continue to do so, there are so many people out there that can get to see there is a way out and you are a prime example of that. Keep doing what you are doing, luv you !!


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