It’s been a while

It’s taken me months to try to put into words how I’ve been doing and feeling. I don’t think anything could prepare you for being stuck within the same four walls for months, sometimes not even being able to walk up the stairs to sit in your own living room. Something I always found ironic was that I feared being trapped so much but yet I was trapped, because of that. This time one year ago I was just beginning to experience one of the worst times of my life and now, I sit here about to type out probably not even half of the things I’ve done in the past 7 months, most of which I haven’t been able to do since my Agoraphobia became an issue. I think it’s extremely easy to feel doomed in the same continuous cycle with anxiety, and to make yourself believe that it is how it’s always going to be. I hope anybody who feels that way can get comfort from this, because I was once the person who felt doomed to live life inside the four walls, and the sinkhole that anxiety often feels like.

April was when it all started to slowly become better, it was when I left my house for the first time in six months, which is another experience that I will never ever be able to put into words and I am forever changed by it. I didn’t realize how much I took the simple things for granted, and I don’t think anyone does until they are deprived from it for a long period of time.

Everything slowly started to get easier as may and June went by and I found myself going into stores, and going to houses I hadn’t been to in a long time. Then July came and I got into a car with my boyfriend when I hadn’t driven with anyone other than my mom in a very long time, I hadn’t been comfortable doing it in about 4 years. Small drives turned into drives across the city, including outings to stores, going for hikes, getting food, and going to parties. Most of which I hadn’t done in more than a year, and I definitely hadn’t partied because the thought of parties a few months before this could make me panic even if I knew I wasn’t going. Then, big things turned into even bigger things like going to my cabin or going to the mall which I hadn’t done in years. At that point going into a store like a gas station or Walmart had become something I did without a second thought, because I knew I’d accomplished much harder tasks.

Still, none of this was something that came incredibly easy for me, and there were times that I sat in a parking lot for 20 minutes only to not even go into the store. I’ve had panic attacks in fast food drive- thrus, and I’ve practically ran in and out of places to get what I’ve needed before I could panic even more. Along with that, I still very much struggle with my anxiety and Agoraphobia on many days and there are things I still battle with, and days when I just can’t push myself to go out and do something greater than a fifteen minute drive, but I’m okay with that because I get to walk out of my front door everyday and know that I have the freedom to do that and I always will. I get to leave my house every single day now, and it is amazingly freeing. Tasks that seemed impossible to me only 7 months ago are now almost an everyday occurrence. Always have hope because you truly never know when or how things are going to turn around for you.

Published by: agoraphobiclife19

My name is Holly, I’m nineteen years old and 4 years ago I began having all of the signs of agoraphobia. Nobody really understands why or how it began, including myself... I had a cold and missed a couple of days of school and when I went to go back my life felt fully changed. Well not only felt, but it was. I was soon after diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and social anxiety which had given me a pretty mild case of agoraphobia. At the time I would not have considered it mild, but after multiple years I’ve realized my agoraphobia at that time was one of the easier times... the only reason it was harder was because I had absolutely no coping mechanisms, no distractions, I didn’t know how to help myself. I leaned on my friends so much, they ended up with at least half of my stress, but now 3 years later, I have learned so many coping mechanisms, I’ve learned so much about how the brain works and communicates when it comes to mental disorders... I’ve gotten much better dealing with my illness without having to lean on anybody but myself. This is such a incredibly small part of my story and the journey I’ve been on so if you’re wanting information or help or even just to see if my story resembles yours or somebody’s you love, check back for my blog posts or check out my Instagram that I’ll have linked below! I’m always happy to answer questions, or give advice or even just some info so if you want somebody to talk to, feel free to go to the contact section and send me an email! I hope I can help in anyway, Holly

Categories Uncategorized3 Comments

3 thoughts on “It’s been a while”

  1. Holly my girl, you are an inspiration, I am so happy that you shared your story and continue to do so, there are so many people out there that can get to see there is a way out and you are a prime example of that. Keep doing what you are doing, luv you !!

    Like

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